Celebrities: Here’s an iCloud alternative for your nude photos

Sections: iCloud, iTunes, Originals

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Apple has come under fire in the past 24 hours as their iCloud online storage service was apparently hacked and a good number of nude celebrity photos were stolen. In a report at Business Insider, the number of celebrities affected is quite large, and includes Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Kate Upton, Aubrey Plaza, Avril Lavigne, Brie Larson…

Now, I’m not here to pass judgment on anyone. Granted, I’ve gone my whole life without taking a single nude photo of myself to store online, but that’s largely because I’m no hot female celebrity; the blackmail market for nude photos of semi-professional tech journalists was dry well before I dove into the pool. But Ariana Grande? Aren’t you like…15? Have you even been famous long enough to bypass Apple’s age restriction for an iCloud account? Her spokesman says they’re fake, and I’ll accept that. Having seen nothing on the subject beyond the two linked articles in this report, I don’t have an argument to make either way.

Kirsten Dunst, on the other hand, doesn’t claim anything’s fake. I’m not sure if photos of her were even involved, but the Buzzfeed article contains this gem from her Twitter account:


Hey now, Kirsten. Easy, guns. I’m not entirely completely familiar with emojis, but I’m pretty sure your use there doesn’t indicate you’ve got the munchies. Curiously, when I looked up your combination above, I found a lot of reviews of your movies.

Okay, that was mean. I’m sorry. But see, I’m not sure blaming iCloud makes a whole lot of sense. If someone were to break into your home and steal all the nude photos of yourself you’ve got lying around, would you blame the house? It has the necessary walls, ceiling and locks on the door, I assume. Yes, I know Apple promises security of that which is stored on iCloud, but if you knew anything at all about the Internet, you’d know it’s there to be hacked. If the U.S. government can’t prevent it, Apple can’t prevent it.

But Kirsten, in the words of the misunderstood and oft maligned philosopher Gale Snoats, “I’d rather light a candle than curse your darkness.” That’s why I’m going to start up my own service for storing nude celebrity photos. The problem isn’t Apple or iCloud, it’s the Internet. If you’re one of countless celebrities with the need to take pictures of yourself naked, you can keep the images safe by just sending them to me. I’ll store them on this USB drive I got at E3 last year. It looks like a bullet, which clearly indicates to any would-be thief, “Don’t mess with me; I’m from Texas or some such thing!” Your photos will never be online and open to hacks, they’ll be in Ohio.

“But Kirk, what if you misplace it?” Come on, Kristen. That’s what lanyards are for. It’ll always be attached to my laptop bag, and my laptop bag carries my iPad, my 3DS XL, and my lunch…ain’t no way I’m losing that. In fact, those ensure your total privacy, because any desire I have to see the naked bodies is bound to be trumped by one of those three.

“But Kirk, what about when I need for my nude photos to be…you know?” That’s a very good question, with a very good solution. I can just say I let someone borrow the drive. I can put a press kit on it in a folder labelled “NOT the celebrities photos…that’s the other one” and give it to Bill Stiteler, for example. Then, when your photos “appear” online, we can both act outraged and blame Bill. You can be outraged and call me a pizza slice chocolate ice cream, and I’ll say something like, “I acknowledge there’s been a breach of security, and I’ve sent a sternly worded to text to Bill about it. In the meantime, no one needs to change their passwords or cancel their credit cards…although that’s good practice anyway.”

I’m thinking of calling my service Celebrity Box. Or DropDrawers. Maybe I’ll finance the business with a Kickstarter campaign and let the actual naming of the service be a perk. Either way, I look forward to working with you Kirsten.

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