When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school
It’s a wonder I can think at all
– Paul Simon
If there’s one thing I’ve realized about the U.S. education system—having student taught and received my teaching certificate in college, watched countless friends/relatives go into teaching, and reached the point where I’m pushing my own kids through—it’s that it’s completely messed up and getting worse.
But what fun that can be with No Pineapple Left Behind, a new satirical and somewhat sardonic simulation of modern education and the pursuit to turn America’s youth into perfect little test takers!
To help you prepare for the test, today we’ll be watching a film strip.
And because school funding is based entirely on standardized test results, we’ve prepared this study guide for you to make sure we can continue to afford bussing!
As the principal, it is your duty to manage the staff and finances (even if that means fudging a few numbers), deal with bothersome parents, create the curriculum, and ultimately churn out the best little test-takers possible for the prestige of the school.
Good thing for you, an evil wizard has turned all the children into studious little pineapples.
But, there’s a problem. Your diligent pineapples keep turning back into children. Sure, human children ‘can’ get better grades, but they are so troublesome, incessantly complaining, procrastinating, and snapping selfies when they should be studying. Tests are coming up and order must be maintained.
Still having trouble? Here are the Cliff’s Notes:
- Manage the school’s curriculums, students, and staff without going bankrupt.
- Dehumanize the children, turning them into orderly pineapples. Or…
- Deal with the complications of human children for potentially better grades.
- Address parental concerns, or maybe ignore them altogether.
- Lump the bad students together, expel them, or even lie about their grades.
- Maintain a small staff of top-tier teachers, or a large group of burned-out, underpaid teachers.
The official test will be presented at your nearest community Mac, Linux and PC locations at a date that’s to be announced. In the meantime, you can further prepare at subalterngames.com.