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‘The Lone Ranger’ was the Shiniest, Most Helena Bonham Carter-iest Trailer at Last Night’s Superbowl

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So apparently history was made at the Super Bowl last night. What happened? Did a dog run out on the field during half-time and Kelly Rowland was forced to catch it? Did Alicia Keys punch Ray Lewis so hard in the throat that his football pants fell down and revealed he was wearing heart covered boxer shorts? And when that happened did everybody chase each other in fast motion as the theme from The Benny Hill Show blared obnoxiously in the background?

Don’t tell me because I’m currently spiraling down a rabbit hole of self-loathing and depression and my memories of fake controversies at the Super Bowl are one of the few glimmers of happiness left in my life at the moment.

 The other thing that briefly prevents me from scowling at and flipping off my reflection in the mirror before I collapse onto the floor of the bathroom where I weep softly into a throw rug are the highly anticipated trailers for all of this summer’s highly anticipated blockbusters. Word on the street is that anticipation is high for “The Lone Ranger,” Disney’s highly anticipated adaptation of a once popular property that-much like Tarzan and Sherlock Holmes – has become so irrelevant it now functions as pop-cultural wallpaper (it’s there and it’s not unpleasant to look at but who cares?)

The trailer is basically what you’d expect from a Lone Ranger movie starring Johnny Depp. It’s very pretty with plenty of shiny close-ups of bullets being loaded into guns in slow motion, long-shots people walking away from explosions in slow motion, a split second shot of Helena Bonham Carter looking at something and Johnny Depp acting quirky in a way that should be annoying at this point but for some reason isn’t. All in all “The Lone Ranger is shaping up to be something entertaining but ultimately forgettable you’ll take your visiting relatives to see this summer so you don’t have to talk to or look at them for two hours.

I’m going back to bathroom.

 

 

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