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The New Trailer for ‘The Host’ Helpfully Reminds You What Film to Avoid this March

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The original teaser trailer for “The Host “did the impossible: it made a movie based on a Stephanie Meyer novel look entertaining to someone who was born with a penis. It was chilling, pessimistic and got a surprising amount of mileage out of those static portraits of grinning, vapid faces and their pale, inhuman eyes.

The teaser implied that maybe a talented, writer/director took all of the better ideas from Meyer’s otherwise terrible novel and crafted a taut, action thriller.

 Well, now that the proper trailer has been released we know that’s definitely not the case. Instead of a talented writer/director we got Andrew Niccol, the guy who directed the not very good “Gattaca” and several other not very good films that all seem to resemble “Gattaca” for some inexplicable reason.

“The Host” is exactly what you would expect from a movie based on a Stephanie Meyer novel: it’s soapy, it’s filled with perfunctory action set-pieces and the cast is made up of people that seem to be stricken with a sexy strain of Bell’s Palsy that has permanently frozen the expression on all of their faces into a smoldering glare. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but if someone special in your life asks you to take them to see this, they do not love you and they will never love you. Leave them immediately.

 

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  • Emma

    Have you even read the book, or are you just judging it based on Meyer’s (admittedly terrible) Twilight series? The book is actually surprisingly good and thought-provoking, and I for one cannot wait for the movie.
    But I wouldn’t expect someone who didn’t like Gattaca to grasp The Host’s themes.

  • http://yahoo.com Forrest

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