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New ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Line-Up Reminds Us That Dorothy Hamill Isn’t Dead

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I don’t understand the appeal of “Dancing With the Stars.” I have never watched it (save for clips on The Soup) and never plan to watch it. But it does pique my morbid curiosity. The announcement of the show’s contestants is the perfect barometer of cultural irrelevance/publicity whoredom/gigantic problems with creditors.

This season’s line-up, which was revealed Tuesday morning on Good Morning America, is no exception. Seeing some of these names actually pains me. Andy Dick was a comedic dynamo in the early to mid-1990s thanks to The Ben Stiller Show and NewsRadio. Now, he has to rub elbows with Tom Bergeron. Plus, I love how America now defines stardom–and thus relevance. Reality stars! Olympians! That dude from that soap opera your mom used to watch!  

Aside from Dick, here is who is about to say goodbye to their dignity.

1.) Country singer Wynonna Judd (Note: She had been asked to do the show for six years.)

2.) Country singer Kellie Pickler

3.) Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman

4.) Figure skating great Dorothy Hamill (Note: In the late 1970s, she actually inspired a haircut. That’s how popular she was.)

5.) Professional boxer Victor Ortiz

6.) Comedian D.L. Hughley

7.)  NFL star Jacoby Jones (Note: Why, Jacoby? Is the offseason that boring?) 

8.) The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills star Lisa Vanderpump 

9.) Ingo Rademacher (“General Hospital”) (Note: Are soap operas still around?)

10.) Disney Channel’s Zendaya Coleman

Can someone please explain the appeal of this show? I haven’t been this perplexed with something since AP Physics.

The show’s 16th season debuts March 18.

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