“Has-Been Corner,” Uh, ‘DWTS’ Announces Cast for Season 17

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I have not watched a minute of Dancing with the Stars, probably because there are only so many sequins a guy can take. What I do like is the announcement of the cast, because it exposes the current status of its participants. If you’re on DWTSthat means your career is on the upswing (Erin Andrews) or has bottomed out (Andy Dick). It is a special level of desperation.

The cast for Season 17 of Dancing with the Stars was announced yesterday on Good Morning America. I’ll let you determine where the stars rank. For the time being, here’s a list and liner notes.

DWTS Dancing with the Stars

The show premieres Monday, September 16 at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.

Elizabeth Berkley and Val Chmerkovskiy--For someone whose career was allegedly destroyed after Showgirls, Berkley’s rise to relevance has been admirable. Do you know she was in movies directed by Oliver Stone and Woody Allen?

Corbin Bleu and Karina Smirnoff–The key to leaving your High School Musical past behind is to get urinated on by Nicole Kidman or make out with a gangstasized James Franco. This isn’t the right path.

Brant Daugherty and Peta Murgatroyd--I loved his game with the Cavaliers. Nice touch on his jumper, could rebound a little, helped Mark Price get free for shots. Oh, that’s Brad Daugherty. Never mind.

Bill Engvall and Emma Slater–Before he got swallowed whole by the Blue Collar Comedy Tour phenomenon, Engvall was a reliably funny stand-up comedian. And his sitcom introduced a wider audience to Jennifer Lawrence.

Valerie Harper and Tristan MacManus–Apparently, Harper’s brain cancer is in remission. That’s good news.

Keyshawn Johnson and Sharna Burgess–One day the producers of DWTS will realize that instead of recruiting running backs and wide receivers, they should hire offensive linemen. I’d actually watch if a mountain of a man like Larry Allen or Willie Roaf, crammed into a glittery outfit, participated. Just the look of terror on their partner’s face would suffice.

Christina Milian and Mark Ballas–“Dip It Low” seems like a billion years ago, doesn’t it?

Bill Nye and Tyne Stecklein–Every time a new cast of DWTS comes out, there’s always one name that I’m pained to see. Introducing this year’s winner.

Jack Osbourne and Cheryl Burke–Leah Remini better watch her back.

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Sasha Farber–Why are we giving this woman more attention?

Leah Remini and Tony Dovolani–What bothered me in EW’s report was that they referred to Remini as a “former Scientologist.” How quickly we forget that she was excellent on The King of Queens.

Amber Riley and Derek Hough–Glee fans will be happy, I guess.

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