New ‘Machete Kills’ Red Band Trailer: Explosions, Crotch Guns and High-Caliber F-er People-Uppers

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machete-killsWho’d have thunk it? Seriously, did anyone consider for a second that “Machete,” the hilariously cheesy fake trailer starring Danny Trejo that saw daylight alongside Quentin Tarantino’s “Grindhouse” was ever going to be made into a full feature? How about a franchise?

Well, believe it or not, “Machete” came out in 2010, made a pretty cool $45 million at the box-office on a $10 mil budget, and now the sequel is less than a month away from landing. I mean the first sequel, because there’s also a “Machete Kills Again… In Space!” in the works. True story.

The only problem with that is it’s going to be virtually impossible for quirky, nay kooky (and I say that with love) director Robert Rodriguez to top off the bloodfesty hoot of a shoot’em up D-movie “Machete Kills” looks like.

I mean, not only is Trejo at his peak (“Machete don’t tweet” might just be on its way to becoming my all-time favorite line in a movie, narrowly beating “Machete don’t text” from the 2010 flick), but you also have Mel Gibson playing a “genuine, high-caliber fucker-people-upper” (his words, not mine) and Sofia Vergara rocking a crotch gun that would make Tom Savini jealous (think about it).

Plus, an army of super soldiers consisting of “La Chameleon” Lady Gaga, “El Cameleon” Cuba Gooding Jr. (you know, the worst actor to ever win an Oscar) and “pornstache” Antonio Banderas, bloody heads and limbs flying around, the absolute dumbest explosions to ever be shot on film, Trejo ripping intestines off living men with his bare hands and, of course, Amber Heard and Alexa Vega (boobs is all I’m saying) to keep the guy company when taking a break from offing psychopaths for Carlos Estevez, aka the President of the United States.

In a nutshell, we’re kind of looking at “The Expendables” on crack. Which is so frigging awesome I’m out of words. Oh, yeah, here’s the latest red band trailer for this madness:

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