Hasn’t Jesus suffered enough? Between Judas’ betrayal, the crucifixion and the fact that insufferable assholes like Marco Rubio and Mel Gibson won’t leave him alone, isn’t it about time we gave Jesus a little me time?
Maybe he can finally watch the Breaking Bad finale (that is, if that fat jerk Ben Franklin didn’t already ruin the ending for him). But no, the indignities continue. Because according to Badass Digest, Kevin Reynolds – the director of “Waterworld” – will be making a film about Jesus’ resurrection.
Simply entitled “Resurrection”, Badass Digest revealed the film’s plot details all of which make the film sound like an olde-timey police procedural from the bible:
…[I]t tells the story of a Roman Centurion tasked with investigating rumors of the rise of Jesus and to find his missing body before the resurrection madness sparks an armed uprising (remember, most Jews of the time thought the Messiah would be a warrior, not a peacenik). As he follows the trail of clues the Centurion meets various post-Christ Biblical figures and, I’m assuming, comes to believe in King of Kings.
All kidding aside, this isn’t a bad premise for a movie. The only troubling aspect is the execution. It’s unfair to damn Reynolds to bad movie hell just for “Waterworld” mainly because all of his movies were terrible. From “Rapa Nui” to “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” to “The Count of Monte Cristo”, Reynolds is the ultimate studio hack. A workmanlike, creatively bankrupt drone incapable of making even violence interesting. It’s disappointing news, especially for Jesus who probably would have preferred Terry Gilliam or Nicholas Winding Refn to tell this story.
Clearly, this is just one of Jesus’ 99 problems so let’s try to make his life a little bit easier. When you say you’re prayers tonight, please don’t reveal the surprising twists in the Breaking Bad finale (he still hasn’t seen it).