Sorry America, The ‘Stretch Armstrong’ Movie is Not Happening

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Things are really bad in America right now and they’re only going to get worse. By this time next year you will be murdered by a large man in a leather daddy outfit andStretch-Armstrong an old fashioned hockey mask over a brown head of lettuce. But as he runs over your legs with his orange Day-Glo motorcycle and spits on your soon to be lifeless body, there is a silver lining: it won’t be happening inside a theater that’s playing the “Stretch Armstrong” movie.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, “Relativity Media and [its] partner Hasbro [have] quietly taken ‘Stretch Armstrong’ off the release calendar”. The movie, which has been languishing in development hell since 1995, was scheduled for an April 11, 2014 release even though the film had yet to go into production.

Based on a moderately popular action figure you can bend, stretch and tie into knots, the “Stretch Armstrong” movie has variously boasted the involvement of Danny DeVito and Taylor Lautner. The concept was also described by its screenwriters as “difficult”, “idiotic”, “terrible” and “just a title”.

Although Hollywood’s abandonment of a project as ill-advised as “Stretch Armstrong” is positive news, it would be much more satisfying if thousands of unwanted remakes, sequels and movies based on I-Phone apps weren’t ready to take its place. After all, the “Candyland” movie is still in production and that “Angry Birds” movie should come out some time next year.

So, if somebody could get a jump on the apocalypse and run me down with their Day-Glo motorcycle right now I’d really appreciate it.

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