The Super Bowl is fast approaching and it is not for everyone. If you’re averse to crowds or too poor to get a ticket, or otherwise unsure how you might want to experience the game – or if you’re like me and may accidentally sleep through it — there are alternative ways one can go about enjoying Super Bowl Sunday. In the spirit of Do-it-Yourself then, here are some tips on how to whip up your own personalized day of Super Bowl mirth. It is important first to understand the key elements that are the foundation to (American) football and of course the Super Bowl, its greatest expression.
There is never a shortage of American flags being waved around during football games, and often a humongous one will be unfurled covering the entire area of the field. Why? I have no idea. All the teams are from the United States, so there’s certainly nothing international going on. It appears to be plain old flag-waving nationalism driving the activity.
What you can do: get yourself a bunch of flags, from any country or area, it doesn’t matter; outfit you and your friends with high leather boots, armbands and uniforms of some sort. March in formation up and down your street singing an agreed upon anthem, while your neighbors peek at you from between their blinds – provided they can tear themselves away from the sanctioned nationalism-fest they’re enjoying on TV. (Consult your doctor before engaging in vigorous marching — see OBESITY below).
The TV commercials that run during the Super Bowl are enjoyed and discussed by football fans even more than the game itself, which would seem an insult to the game and the players on which so much money and attention is lavished. Either way, you can’t get into the Super Bowl without also getting into the TV commercials played during it and you must pay attention because people will try to discuss them with you later. Television commercials are aplenty fortunately and there’s no reason to have to sit through a football game just to view some. It will be no problem to explore the world of television commercials all on your own.
First, turn on your own TV – or several more if you have them – and find a channel showing a commercial. When an actual program begins, surf the channels again till you find another commercial. Repeat these steps. The only limit to how long you can do this is your own endurance — You will never run out of commercials to watch. With so many channels available through cable TV there is an endless number of commercials on at any given time, at any point in the day. At work the next day, when your co-workers are discussing the “funny” super bowl commercials, you can contribute by interjecting on the humorous ad you saw for canes that stand up alone, or that silly cheesy one for an online casino, or how hilarious you found that Low-testosterone commercial.
The celebration of obesity is a big part of the Super Bowl, no pun intended. It’s clear, typically, from video taken of football crowds that they’ve been influenced in the eating realm by their heroes on the field, half of whom sport huge love-handles and stomachs bulging in their tight uniforms and folding over their waistlines. The commercials usually shown during football games will help clue you in – lots of fast food or chain restaurants showing huge steaming portions of fatty food.
You can plan your own Sunday afternoon of eating the same way a Super Bowl party host does – do an Internet search for “food that’s bad for you”, or “foods that fat people like to eat” and you’ll instantly have more ideas and recipes than you can handle. Pepsi is a sponsor of the Super Bowl this year, which is perfect because the best way of growing larger and reaching your obesity goal is to drink as much soda as possible. This one is easy: buy as much soda as you can afford and get down to drinking it. You can save money by getting an off-brand soft drink seeing as sodas are all the same thing and your afternoon of DIY Super Bowl isn’t exactly going to be about some fine experience of culinary taste at any rate. And since your aim is to grow large and unhealthy you may want to also adopt the Pepsi motto — “Live for now”.
One wouldn’t expect to find socialism at all associated with such an overtly “American”, flag-waving, apple pie-eating event as the Super Bowl, but in fact it is the bedrock of the football business. We need look no farther than that stadiums around the country are routinely built with taxpayer money, a truth that should, on game day, have conservative pundits foaming at the mouth with rage and Ayn Rand turning over in her grave.
Here’s what you can do: On the Super Bowl website is a page where you can sign up to volunteer to stand outside the stadium as a “hospitality guide” handing out info and greeting arriving fans. For this service you will not be paid and will definitely not be getting a free ticket to the game. But — as you graciously did with your tax money — you will have the satisfaction of helping subsidize the highly-paid, greatly-fed (see OBESITY above) players inside and the football business in general. Bring your own gloves and hat, it may be cold that day.
Apparently there is a human trafficking element to the Super Bowl , (although some say there’s not), and I’d rather not bring down this positive article of self-reliant sports appreciation & American values exaltation with such a dreary topic. If you are curious, do an Internet search on the subject. (After game day, obviously).
THE BIG DAY
There is no reason to feel like a lonely outsider on Super Bowl Sunday. With some creative planning you can easily combine the elements of nationalism, commercialism, socialism and obesity stated above for a great day of Super Bowl satisfaction. I heard someone recently refer to Super Bowl Sunday as the “biggest day of the year.” Sad as this may sound it is possibly true for the diminished lives of many Americans trying to get along in the debris-field of what’s left of an eroding culture. Creating your own day of American football wonder will allow you to enjoy, participate in and discuss Super Bowl Sunday with the others.