Let me start by saying nana nana boo boo, I know who the next Bachelorette is! That’s right, Reality Steve has the answer before anyone else and I will share that super important information with you after I recap the incredibly uncomfortable “Hometowns” episode of The Bachelor that aired last night.
Nikki’s hometown date was grade A awesome, the most perfect hometown a bachelor contestant could hope for. They had a chill date at Oklahoma Joe’s Barbecue where they took a sexy co-piloted ride on the bull and drank, like, six beers at once. I was jealous… of Juan Pablo, not Nikki. I’d have a beer or six with Nikki. Then the girl’s family was super friendly and supportive and [sigh] it was perfect. They are perfect. Team Nikki for life!
Andi’s hometown date was also perfect, except for when it wasn’t. Andi and Juan Pablo shot some guns and had cocktails with the fam, which is where Andi’s dad starts ruining everything, which was awesome for us, the viewers. Juan Pablo does a jig with Andi Cantdance Crawley and then does another with her mom, which was cute. Then Papa Crawley basically gives Juan Pablo the metaphorical bird with a “nah brah, you can ask me for marriage permission when you’re not a polygamist” while Andi #2 (seriously, they aren’t twins?!) tells Andi #1 that she’s basically wrong about how she thinks she feels. It was mildly entertaining as far as the most boring week of the process goes.
Renee’s hometown date made cry, if I’m honest. Actually, I bawled. Renee sees her son for the first time since the beginning of the months long process just before his little league baseball game, where they run into each other’s arms and hug for two full minutes. Seriously, I Kim K ugly cried while Boyfriend looked scared from the other side of the couch. Ben is just the cutest little nugget ever.
Clare’s hometown date was… bizarre. After Clare made me tear up again, everything was cool with her six unexpectedly less-hot sisters until one of them started disallowing her mother to speak for herself, or at all. As a skeptic of the show myself, I guess I get it. But still, sister girl is 32. She doesn’t need that.
At the rose ceremony Nikki and Clare are made to stand next to each other and left alone for an uncomfortable and totally intentional amount of time during which they threw side-glance shade like it was an Olympic sport. JP sent Renee home, probably because the obsessive-compulsive Mr. Dad in him feels too guilty to have an overnight with her after meeting Ben, the cutest little freckled dumpling I have ever seen, and he’s probably ever seen. He cried openly, we at home sighed in unison, and then we learned the gals are going to St. Lucia. Sa-weet.
Since being dumped by Sharleen, his special little snowflake, slut-shaming Clare for doin’ the sekz in the ocean where he was an equal participant [squints at Juan Pablo], and withholding and doling out kisses in a bi-polar confusion of overflowing sexual tension, we’re down to the top three. Spoiler-alert: Andi goes home next, but we knew that from the badly edited previews in which she basically says as much and the conference in which Chris Harrison says the same. And yes, that means she’s our next Bachelorette. According to Reality Steve, Andi begins filming her season on March 11th or 12th. She’ll be announced on the 10th immediately following After the Final Rose.
I expect Andi will make a fabulous Bachelorette because she’s classy without being annoyingly devoid of personality. She’ll be refreshing, hilarious, adorable and, of course, hair commercial-worthy.
The Women Tell All bitchfest tapes tomorrow afternoon and airs next week. Naturally it’ll be a let down since no one had enough drama to start any real shiznit this season. Oh, well. Maybe Lucy will show up naked. At least we’ll probably get to see Sharleen call JP an idiot… again.