I got married recently, and someday, my wife and I will start a family. There is a 50/50 chance that the product of our marriage will be a baby girl, at least if what that carnival psychic once told me years ago ends up being true. If that con-woman ends up being right, I’m actually okay with it, given the fact that there hasn’t been a Rockwell lady in the last 100 years of my direct bloodline, and my wife is the smartest woman I have ever met. I’m the luckiest man in the world to be married to her, and I’d be even luckier to have a daughter just like her to contribute to the world.
Any-who, I thought about that wart-faced gypsy this morning (the carnie, not my wife) when I awoke to an email from my editor asking if I wanted to write about the following quote:
“Twilight, I’m sorry, is about a very unhealthy, toxic relationship. She falls in love with a guy and the second he leaves her, her life is over, and she’s going to kill herself. What message are we sending to young people? That is not going to help this world evolve.
Oh hell yes, I thought. Another thought I had was that she misspoke when she said, “Young people.” It would have been more appropriate to say, “Young girls.” Obviously.
In any event, those wonderful words were spoken by Shailene Woodley, star of the upcoming sorta rip-off-oh-who-we-kidding-they’re-aiming-at-the-same crowd-as-Hunger-Games, “Divergent.” I don’t know who she is, I’ve never read Divergent and I’m not going to read it nor see the movie, but I like her already.
Women seem to get why men like sports, porn and Jean-Claude Van Damme movies; athletic achievement and inspiration, misguided wish-fulfillment, and fun with Belgian accents. However, us fellas continue to be absolutely bewildered as to why women like, “Twilight,” so much. To all the ladies on either Team Cedric Diggory or Team Silly face, what the hell is wrong…I mean let’s explore this.
I have a couple of theories. First of all, Edward is powerful, respectful with self-restraint, and truly loves her (I think). Also, in most literature and films before “Twilight,” vampires were portrayed as ferocious beasts and wards of Satan who want to rip out your throat. Ms. Meyer, in sharp contrast, gives us vampires that sparkle in the sunlight and practice strong family values. Swoon! Finally, Edward has that brown bracelet thing on his wrist, so that means he’s sensitive and he’s cool and stuff and OMG and stuff.
Full disclosure, I have not read any of the books. However, I don’t need to in order to know that they are silly Mormon propaganda and while Ms. Meyer is certainly on to something (her series is a huge bestseller, after all), she seems to be lacking something in the writing department, even more so than this garbage (on that, Ms. Meyer and I agree, though for different reasons). Many writers I respect seem to agree with me. Sorry for the writer-on-writer crime, Ms. Meyer, but I think you can take it. This lady certainly could. At least I hope so.
Anyway, according to this person, the Edward-Bella romance of, “Twilight,” fits all 15 criteria of an abusive relationship. Do women really want to be abused? Is this a bad-boy with a heart of gold thing? Do women secretly want to be dominated? Is this why abused women keep taking back the bastard who beat them up for over-cooking the chicken? Oh for heaven’s sake; haven’t we evolved past this nonsense???
Another reason the, “Twilight,” books are garbage; Bella is a boring dull-ass character who doesn’t actually do anything. She is completely non-active and only reactive. Everything is done for her; she makes no real decisions. Sorry ladies, but Bella stands for everything that a woman should not. Bella lacks confidence, gets tossed around like pinball and loves the wrong kind of man. This is your role model?
The good news is that in modern literature, it’s not all bad. The Hunger Games’ Katniss Ever-whatever is an active character, a strong role model, who fights the bad guys and does the right thing, even her story is a complete rip off of this book and that book (okay maybe not a huge rip but you get the idea). The young female protagonist in, “Divergent,” seems to be fighting the good fight and taking the lead. And when Hermione’s boyfriend leaves her, she doesn’t curl up into a ball in the woods and contemplate suicide; she picks up her wand and goes Death-Eater hunting like a mother-f—king BOSS.
Ladies, please, I beg of you, listen up; these sparkling-Vampire books, and Bella for that matter, are not good examples for you to follow. If you enjoy these books and drag them to jury selection (I saw a woman in her 40’s doing just that the last time I did my civic duty), you like these books for all the wrong reasons. You are never going to find your, “Edward,” neither should you, nor want to.
All responsible human beings, knowing that some day they will have some rugrats, worry about the world our children will be born into. As roll models for our female offspring, sure, we have the Sheryl Sandbergs, Condoleezza Rices and Hilary Clintons (there, everyone can get offended), but also the Snookis, Lindsay Lohans and Courtney Stoddens. Likewise, I love that people are reading books, but cringe when it’s E.L. Smith or Stephanie Meyer.
Assuming that witch’s prophesy is correct, my daughter will get two books on her 16th name day; Lean In and He’s Just Not That Into you. The latter so that she doesn’t waste her time with idiot boys in her youth, and the former so that maybe, just maybe, she will grow up to be the strong kind of woman my wife and I want her to be and nothing like that idiot Bella. Along with Pomeranians, Dane Cook albums and Michael Bay movies, Twilight will not be allowed in our house. If I walk in on my daughter knee deep in, “New Moon,” “Breaking Dawn,” or “50 Shades Lighter,” for that matter, I will have blown it as a Dad.
Note: I didn’t even have time to go into the God-awful movies. Have a listen to this podcast, and if you want to have a really good time, check out the Rifftrax for all 5 movies. Especially during, “Full Eclipse,” where the hosts keep asking, “Uh, why are these two supernatural creatures into this chick?” Good stuff.