‘How I Met Your Mother’ finale crosstalk (Part IV): Rockwell’s final thoughts

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How_I_Met_Your_DadNote: Stephen Silver and Jordan Rockwell have been watching and discussing How I Met Your Mother with each other for years. For the finale, we’re going to spend the day Tuesday going back and forth discussing the series finale. All discussion below contains significant spoilers for the finale, and the entire run of How I Met Your Mother to date. Steve started; here, Jordan replied; Steve replied with part three. Here’s the fourth:) 


Here are my final thoughts, and they are going to be LEGEND…wait for it…screw it no more dary for us.

Success in this business, especially in the serialized television world, is a double-edged sword. Your dream is to get a emotionally-invested rabid fan base for your show, sure, but then that base is fanatically and rabid, not to mention that they will have opinions. You write because of them, but you don’t write for them. I’m not sure what Bays and Thomas were thinking.

This series finale was a hail mary and I admire them for having balls, but they missed, and the goddamn Dallas Cowgirls won the game. Metaphorically speaking. Believe me, my friend, it doesn’t make me happy either to be with the masses here. We’re right. Sometimes I love being wrong, and I hate being right. I’m afraid we’re right, and I’m sad. I don’t mind being the only guy on the planet who liked, “Hancock,” but I would love to be the only one who sincerely loved what Bays and Thomas did without being in denial.

To all you morons who kept screaming throughout the run, “MAKE ROBIN THE MOTHER!” Please don’t ever reproduce. You are what is wrong with America. I don’t want you breeding.

As to the proper credit for me meeting the future mother of my demon spawn, you get a finder’s fee; my “Awesomeness; when I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead, true story” poster. I don’t want it anymore. Sniff.

I think Ted and Robin were great together in season 2 not only because of the writing, but also because they were building to a logical point; Ted and Robin care for each other, but are not ever meant to be. The story they were building to in the end (I don’t care that they shot the, “Ask Aunt Robin out, Dad!” footage back in 2006, that’s not the show we got) was that Ted would have two loves of his life; the one that got away (Robin) and the one who would stay (Tracy) in his heart.

Let’s face it, Ted started the show a chick (sorry, women’s studies majors, no wait I’m not sorry, you know I’m right) and ended it (the series finale NEVER HAPPENED, you hear me? NEVER HAPPENED) with him as a man. He was a chick when he chased Robin. He became a man when he met Tracy. Period, end of story.

Change is a glacial process, if it happens at all. In that version of the ending (THAT NEVER HAPPENED), she ended her marriage to Barney because she was unable to put her husband’s needs first. That husband, Barney, a legen-DARY cocksman in his own right who becomes a completely neutered male because he loves her so much, after he asks for the check, she has the balls to be all hurt and offended that he goes back to being awesome? Screw her!

She will not change, she is toxic and selfish, and once again, after Robin dumps him again, Ted will be sitting down his long-suffering children to tell them, “Kids, now that my ball hairs are grey and old and I’m still a girly man…Penny, are any of your hot friends over 18 and single?” What we essentially saw at the end of the series finale was a crackhead (Ted) who, after 16 years sober, fell off the wagon and grabbed the pipe (Robin).

Robin was always the wrong one, and Tracy was the right one. That was the show we saw, and the ending we deserved. The ending we got was, “Robin is toxic, Tracy is the one, and a little deux et machina later, Robin is the one.”


Just like the Ross/Rachel lie, “Yes Ted, go back to being a wuss, once Robin is in her 50s she’ll settle for you.”


That’s all, folks.


There is this thing, which is how, if I ever decide to watch the show again, THIS IS HOW IT ENDED.

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