Smart condoms? Sensorial Condoms thinks the world can handle it. I, on the other hand, think they’re nuts! Pun not intended! I’m not mature enough to write this article. In the words of Homer Simpson, “think unsexy thoughts.” Alright, let’s continue.
Sensorial Condoms has decided that sex is no longer taboo and that means it should be a tracked activity much like running, swimming, eating, etc. So when you meet up with your buddies at a bar you can brag about those 5 miles you ran, and then you can brag about well, whatever happened after your date with Mindy. But of course you’re only talking about it for science, right?! RIGHT?!
In the words of Sensorial Condoms, “Sensorial Condoms are able to measure your performances.
You can track your sexual activity and you can even share it with your friends.”
Now every woman can take comfort in the fact that their sexual partner has documented proof of their sexual encounter, and they now have the ability to SHARE it with their friends. Sounds like a great idea.
Safe to say locker room talk just went up another level.
So, how on earth do these things work? The condoms have a passive talking RFID tag technology that enables the condoms to communicate with your Apple or Android device.
Y’know, it’s like a smartwatch, but not for your wrist…
So, what can you track exactly?
According to the website, “you can track the duration of your performance, the pushings, the speed and calories burned.”
That’s right, you did just read the word “pushings.” Let that sink in.
You can also track where and when you had sex, you can add places…this is the example Sensorial Condoms opted to use: “You can enter a session manually, e.g., you had done sex on the couch or on the washing machine.” I’m not even going to get into the fact that they said “you had done sex.” (Bows head in shame).
You can compare your performance with your friends’ averages, you can record your personal achievements, you can join monthly challenges for motivation (eye roll), you can motivate your friends with comments (I’m sure they’ll be nothing but supportive), and HERE IS THE BEST PART…wait for it:
You can set duration goals for yourself and once you hit that goal a soft alarm will sound. AN ALARM WILL SOUND! Yeah, that’s not going to distract your sexual partner from whatever “good” work you think you’re doing.
Seriously, is this for real? Yes, yes it is. They are literally available for pre-order as we speak. Does anyone want to join me in setting a world record for the largest spanning eye-roll ever? On the count of three everyone…1…2…3:
Oh and it gets better. There’s a Youtube video about it with a Colin Hanks look-a-like. Check it out here if you must:
Come on, society, do better. Yikes.