As we mentioned today, Amazon is planning an event on June 18 where the company will supposedly announce their new 3D smartphone. And while the 3D smartphone sounds cool (if you’re into that futuristic stuff), I can’t help but dream of better features for Amazon’s 3D smartphone. So, I’m hoping Jeff Bezos takes a look at my list of preferred features for Amazon’s 3D smartphone. And Jeff, you don’t have to give me a commission; the existence of these features is reward enough.
1) Witty Comeback Generator:
You know those moments when someone takes a jab at you and instead of dishing back a brilliant comeback as part of a witty reparte, you just kinda stumble around a “your mama” joke? Well, if I had it my way, my smartphone would be my comeback wingman, providing me with Grade A dissing material.
2) Iced Coffee Barista:
It’s almost summer, which means I’ve practically got an IV of iced coffee filtering through my bloodstream. But Starbucks is like a half mile from my office, and sometimes break room coffee just doesn’t cut it. Thus, if my smartphone could nurse my codependency by brewing my cold brewed iced coffee on demand, my life would be vastly better.
3) Personal Stylist:
“Those jeans make your butt look big.” Thank you, smartphone, for your honesty! My friends refuse to tell me when a shirt is not working for me, but if my smartphone could do it, I wouldn’t even need to ask them! Plus, wouldn’t it be great if your smartphone could tell you whether or not to drop $50 on those shoes?
4) Mobile Manicure:
I’m constantly that person going out with chipped nail polish. I don’t have time to get my nails done, and when I do my own it looks like I stabbed myself with a ballpoint pen repeatedly. I know I’m dreaming a little too big here, but I wish my smartphone could do it for me.
5) Better Song Identifying:
I love Shazam. It’s my own personal DJ, and I thank the stars every day that such a wonderful app exists. But sometimes, a melody pops into my head and I can’t remember any lyrics to google. Don’t even try singing a song to Shazam because there’s a snowball’s chance in hell it will actually match with something. If my Amazon 3D smartphone could endure my horrible singing, imagine how much more sleep I could get. No longer would I toss and turn trying to figure out what that damn song in my head is!
6) Heidi Klum Filter Technology:
My ongoing joke with our video producer is that I tell him to apply the Heidi Klum filter to my face whenever we’re doing a video shoot. I would like this possibility available to me in my everyday life. You think Instagram filters are helpful? Well imagine looking like a Victoria’s Secret model with the click of a button.
7) Personal Life Coach:
PUT DOWN THAT SLICE OF PIZZA! YOU’RE GETTING FAT! Most of my bad decisions are made late at night when none of my friends are around to stop me. If my smartphone could yell at me, I’d like to think I would make better decisions.
8) Creepy Guy Alert:
I could avoid a lot of troubling interactions if my smartphone could notify me (in advance) that a creepy guy in the corner of the bar is about to try and buy me a drink.
9) Cancel My Plans:
I’m a horrible liar, so when I try to get out of something I don’t want to go to, my friends usually know I’m lying. But if my smartphone did it for me, perhaps no one would question the validity. Sorry that I don’t want to sit through your amateur-level play, Ann!
This is the gif I realllllly wanted to use, so I’m using BOTH:
10) Lie Detector:
Admittedly, my coworker Devon Razey provided me with this gem. Was your boyfriend really working late? What if your smartphone could tell you?
So, Amazon, get on that.