Like it or not, it’s a Tinder world and we’re all living in it. I’ve had Tinder on my mind a lot this past week, in part because of the news surrounding its latest photo-sharing feature, “Moments“. Is this really how we’re supposed to meet people these days? I’m only 24 years old, and I’m already reminiscing about the good ole days. And yet, I, too, have given into the Tinder craze against my better judgement. It’s probably safe to say most 20 something women have at least tried it once. Don’t lie, we’ve all been to the seedy underbelly of the millennial dating world. But like Dante in his Inferno, we did a couple laps and decided it wasn’t the place for us.
That being said, there’s a couple trends I’ve noticed when it comes to men I’ve encountered on Tinder. And I’m hoping that through my own experience, you will notice these red flags and save yourself some trouble. If only Tinder would introduce a filter feature to do the work for us. AM I RIGHT, LADIES?!
Thus, I have enlisted the help of my amazingly talented coworker, Devon Razey, to illustrate the four predators all women have encountered on Tinder. Please send all compliments her way, as I have officially named her the Rembrandt of our generation.
1) The Gym Rat:
Mirror pics for days. He’s got about 30 different photos for you to look through, and they all feature some special sort of equipment. I mean, who doesn’t love staring at some dude doing calf raises?! My damn. He’s got a special-made sports jersey tailored to show off his rock-hard abs and his inflated ego. If you match with this guy, he’ll probably start your Tinder conversation with how much he can bench press, followed by an invitation to carbo-load with some pizza after his gym sesh. Stay away. Like he says in his Tinder profile, “bros before hoes.” He’s not looking for a running partner, and if you actually do meet this guy for drinks he won’t shut up about his “grind.”
2) The Freshman:
So young. So naive. He lives by the movies Animal House and Old School, and you’d be hard-pressed to catch this guy walking around campus without some Greek insignia. This is also the same guy that will tell you Miller Lite is the champagne of beers. This guy clearly values his education, as he is opting to forego taking notes in his 8:30 am Western Civilization class in exchange for a good round of Tinder. Who needs good grades when you’re pledging the best-looking fraternity on campus? Expect his Tinder profile to be replete with college-themed quotes, inside jokes from his fraternity, and beer pong championship pictures. This is the same guy that will comment on this article stating that Delta Sigma Pi is not a real fraternity. We’re waiting for you.
3) The Philosopher:
Alright, this is the guy we’ve all dated. He seems so deep and introspective when you meet him, but really he’s just a bored Googler who values his awful taste in music above any real human interaction. He’ll start your initial Tinder conversation by approving your appreciation for Animal Collective, while simultaneously explaining his in-depth appreciation for Wes Anderson movies. He gets the world on another level. All of his Tinder pictures are comprised of the same looking-off-into-the-distance pose just at various places throughout the world. Here he is thinking at a beach, here he is thinking at a mountain, here he is thinking in his bathroom… Plus, you can expect to hear reverberated, misquoted tidbits from his sophomore Philosophy seminar, which he got a C- in anyways. Don’t mistake his pretentious egotism for intellect. And in the words of Socrates, “bitches be crazy.”
4) The Fedora Badass:
This Casanova doesn’t need an introduction…So we’re just going to let the fedora do the talking.
He’s looking for the perfect woman: someone to watch Pawn Stars with who won’t nag him about taking her out for a nice dinner. For your birthday, he’ll give you a coupon to The Red Lobster and a half-eaten candy bar. He’s a real winner, and even worse, he thinks he’s the perfect guy. This is the guy you’ll shudder to think about when you’re reminiscing five years down the road. Even better, you’ll probably have a cocktail of bad sex and emotional abuse to think back on. Sigh, if only there were more Nice Guys like him on Tinder.