My favorite part of the day is having coffee and telling people about it on Instagram. My second favorite part of the day is scrolling through my newsfeed and reading up on what everybody gives a fudge about at the moment. To be completely honest, I skim through most articles and spend twenty plus minutes devouring the Jerry Springer-like comments section until my eyeballs start to water. No shame.
Here are the ten most common categories of viral news that get shoved down your throat each day.
1. Heroic child/dog/seafaring creature rescues human
You can’t scroll through your newsfeed without seeing the same exaggerated story of epic heroism being posted by 20 different people at once. Whether it’s a two-year-old calling 911 from a phone she McGyvered from a McDonald’s toy or a ferret who crawled into his owner’s sock drawer to defuse a bomb, there’s never any shortage of sensational stories that ultimately don’t matter. The happily-ever-after photos are always cute, though!
2. A new disease has the potential to wipe out the country
Parasites and viruses and vaxxes, oh my! Everyday there’s a new disease in “epidemic proportions” wiping out populations the size of a sorority house. We’re all a little sensitive to irresponsible disease control since the infamous Swine Flu outbreak, so every case of West Nile Virus and Mad Cow Disease is immediately launched into temporary internet super-stardom. In 2006, nearly my entire 4,000-student high school missed school over a stomach flu and it made national news. Those of us who didn’t come down with a reason to stay home from school didn’t have the heart to tell CBS that half the victims were faking it and spending the coincidentally beautiful spring day outside.
3. Some midwestern state is exercising “religious freedom” by ruining people’s lives
These “you’re allowed to discriminate against gays, now” laws are, for some reason, not unconstitutional (???), so naturally we hear about a new one every week. Whether it’s a concentration camp bill or a good, old fashioned segregation plan, there’s a special place in hell for politicians involved in creating the least Christian laws ever in the name of Jesus.
A sub-category of this is ‘corporate lawsuits against the government for having to cover birth control’. There is no end to the nightmare.
4. Millennials are statistically the worst humans ever
Everybody’s favorite topic to discuss is the shittiness of the generation that’s taking the world away from them. There’s an article a day about how Millennials are lazy, entitled and self-absorbed; they’re squeezed into your feed between unemployment rate updates and articles about the “Internship Economy”.
5. Baby Boomers are statistically the worst humans ever
Actually, there could be a few more of these.
6. White male politician tried to be science-y, sounded stupid
This happens way too often for comfort. Between Joe Barton talking about wind as a finite resource and almost every republican talking about sexual assault technicalities, most of us don’t feel safe in the care of our government . Every day a terrifying new quote surfaces from some politician who may or may not be on drugs (another viral story trend). If we had to take a shot every time a politician’s ignorance shows, we’d all die of alcohol poisoning.
7. Somebody sang Frozen in the car
From hot parents to professional baseball players to kids of all ages, there is no escaping the reign of Queen Elsa.
8. Kimye did a thing
It’s unclear how these two became such important pop culture icons, but hopefully scientists are looking for a cure.
9. Somebody is doing something awesome about shitty societal standards
It’s a shame we have to resort to cheap attention grabbing tactics to make people pay attention to really negative issues like beauty standards, but kudos to those who have risen to the occasion. There are a lot of sweet media campaigns blowing oldschool social justice movements out of the water, so hopefully by 2025 a thigh gap will mean a little less to me.
10. A badass made a badass video
There’s some sick isht on the internet. The world wide web was intended to be a beautiful, magical sharing of knowledge, but at least half of it is basically a side show. If you can be the most entertaining freak, chances are we’re going to write about you, you goddamn hero.