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TinderUs thinks you should spend $50 to up your Tinder game

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Well, OKCupid already let the cat out of the bag this week in terms of the UNIMAGINABLE AND TOTALLY UNEXPECTED SECRET TO THE ONLINE DATING WORLD. So what’s the secret? Everyone is shallow, and it should be no surprise that people care about looks as a top priority when it comes to dating. So, it’s a wonder that TinderUs thinks it can bamboozle gullible people into thinking a $50 Tinder consultation will change anything for them. That’s right, 50 dollars! That’s useful dating money just being thrown away!

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So what could a Tinder consultation business possibly have to offer prospective clients?

According to the service, there’s five key areas they focus on:

1. Choosing your five best Facebook photos

2. Your main picture (which they admit is the MOST important)

3. Your profile tag (something like “Let’s just tell everyone we met at Starbucks.” Sidenote: that one gets me every time)

4. Ideas and advice on opening lines (because “hello” is just bush-league)

5. And finally, flirting coaching (learn how to bat those internet eyelashes)

If I may, I think TinderUs is forgetting one crucial fact: the actual dating. Ideally, if everything goes well these Tinder matches should eventually meet in real life if the connection seems right. Yes, real life. Remember that, TinderUs? What are you going to do for your clients then? Hire a real-life Hitch to follow your clients around and provide them with real-time help? They’re sunk.

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Listen up, people. You do not need to pay $50 to find success on Tinder. I’m going to give you the holy grail of Tinder advice and it’s all free (unless you want to send pizza to my cubicle).

Alright, ready?

1. Have your friends (honestly) choose your best Facebook pictures

2. YOU decide from those pictures what your best picture is

3. DO NOT use pictures with other men/women in them unless it’s a group shot. No one wants to guess if the girl in your photo is someone you’re dating in real life. 

4. If you want to post pictures with your cat, prepare to be matched with people who are cat-obsessed. 

5. Same goes for dogs. 

6. DO NOT make a douche-y joke in your bio. 

7. DO be honest in your bio, but not too honest. Three to five details is all you need. 

8. DO NOT start a conversation with a creepy pick-up line. 

9. DO NOT send shirtless photos on Tinder moments unless asked. 

10. DO NOT be a jerk.

It’s that simple. Feel free to leave your Tinder suggestions in the comments below. We could all use them.

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