You’re a positive person who’s actively trying to block the mid-week negativity from touching your soul. It’s an admirable attempt but it takes a lot of effort. It seems to be working up until you get that ninth email in a thread that should have fizzled out after Mike from accounting started getting all self-congratulatory about the office’s Post-It Note Conservation Program. The day will ultimately end with a text to your friends that goes something like, “Happy hour? I’m desperate and murderous. ……lol!”
You’re probably not coming in tomorrow.
You have abs for days, everybody hates you, and you’re going to spend the night at the gym wondering how people can live with themselves if they don’t have under 9% body fat. You spend hours a week grocery shopping, meal prepping, shake mixing, and weight lifting. You’ll eventually have #WellnessWednesday engraved on your tombstone because no amount of treadmills can save you from the cold embrace of the grave. There’s a 50/50 chance you’ll have trouble affording healthcare after buying all those supplements online. Your gluten-free waffle looks delicious, but we know better.
You’re teetering between feeling both desperately hopeless and overwhelmingly positive. One minute you’re dead inside, and the next you’re all, “You can change you’re life at any moment if you wanted to!” You’re shooting for inspirational but you just sound like a cigarette smoker who thinks they can quit any time. Deep down you know you’re not going to change a thing, because that would be scary. Telling yourself you can drop everything to go teach English in China gets you through your day, though. Well, almost. You’re probably sneaking out of the office at 3:30 because f***k it.
You’re so nostalgic you couldn’t wait for #ThrowbackThursday. You also did a #TransformationTuesday and a #MyYouthMonday (which you made up because you’re out of control). Half of your Instagram pics are throwbacks that both highlight your favorite childhood memories and gently remind everyone that you were Prom Queen, mother f***ers. You can’t let your past stay there because the truth of the present is overwhelmingly agonizing. You spend a lot of time on the #WisdomWednesday feed thinking about what you’d do and where you’d go if you didn’t have student loans.
You’re doing shots alone while questioning your life decisions. You probably work in finance.
The beautiful face of your bestie greases the wheels on this ever-lasting day a bit. No homo, though. (Ok, a little homo.) The inevitable three or four comments between you and your bestie consist of aggressively hurled complements that border on flirting, but once that’s over the post loses its novelty. This Gram will eventually be buried under #WednesdayWisdom posts because today is going to be lovely, dammit. You’ve had three Starbucks lattes because hey, you’ve earned it. You’re meeting Miss or Mr. #HumpDay for happy hour.