E3 2013: Booth babes going extinct?

Sections: E3, Exclusives, Nostalgia, Opinions

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Booth babes, like loud music and flashing lights, are an integral part of E3 (except for a few years best forgotten). This year they seemed to be in short supply. Oh, they could be spotted here and there, but their numbers were dwindling, and their state of dress, normally in the “bespandexed groin” style, was almost prudish compared to the plumage (or lack thereof) of prior years. The above is a classic example of the state of dress of the E3 booth babe this year.

After some field study, I elected to capture a specimen for further investigation:


The petite and nonthreatening specimen was immediately offended at my asking where the booth babes had gone. “I’m not a booth babe,” she answered in an astonishingly perky voice, “I’m a Brand Ambassador!” It turns out booth babes are no longer native to the Los Angeles Convention Center; instead, this new and more heavily clothed species, the Brand Ambassador, had taken over the sacred halls of E3.  My specimen lectured me on the virtues of her kind, noting that Brand Ambassadors are more eloquent, more able to hold a conversation, and will not be unduly offended if asked to handle a joystick. I considered testing that last claim with my own joystick, but elected to leave the matter to a younger, more virile future researcher.

Having received such information, I released her back into the wild and commenced to see if there were any concentrations of the less evolved species remaining. There were none. Much as modern humans pushed out the neanderthals from their hunting grounds, leading to the latter’s eventual extinction, so too it seems the more advanced Brand Ambassadors had taken over the prime territory once held by the lowly booth babe.

I thus left the convention center, to see if perhaps a few hardy specimens of the dying breed were still clinging to the fringes of their old territory.


A mere block away, I found a few homeless booth babes, eking out an existence on the hard streets of Los Angeles. They spotted me as soon as I pulled out my camera, and immediately I was swarmed by the desperate creatures, so eager and desperate they were for prey. I had little choice but to be led by their scantily clad nubility into the Crave Online tent, there to see what was on offer.

I fear for this species, and there is but one hope, suggested by my reference to neanderthals, above. Humans in the regions once held by neanderthals possess the DNA of the extinct species, indicating that in the distant past, there was some cross breeding. This represents the best chance for some part of booth babes to survive. I recommend any gamer that locates a booth babe to attempt a mating; for the good of the species, she may well take one for the team, as it were.

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