For years, millions of true Bioware fans have waited for the conclusion to the epic tale of friendship, loss and eggmans that was Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood . We have held on to hope against the odds as evil corporation EA has forced Bioware to develop lesser sequels such as Dragon Age and Mass Effect, truly cementing its place as the Worst Corporation in the World. Well let me tell you something, brothers: our patience has finally paid off.
Bioware has released a mysterious new trailer, which at first seems far too vague and teaser-y for the average person to comprehend, but luckily for you all I am a journalist. A real journalist. Unlike those other sites that watched the video once and typed out some crap about new IPs (whatever that even means, am I right?) to get easy clicks, I did the dirty work that nobody else had the guts to do. I scoured over this new trailer, watching it for hours as I sweated profusely all over my keyboard and bled from the gaping wound in my forehead caused when I accidentally passed out from not sleeping and hit my head on my desk. It’s a nice desk, from Target. I ruined it, for the sake of the people, and that’s okay. That’s journalism. You do the hard work nobody else is willing to do.
After plucking out every minute detail I could find, I finally figured it out. It’s happening, people: we’re finally going to know what happened after Eggman opened fire on the Cyclone, ripping our beloved heroes out of the sky seconds before the credits rolled. We’re getting Dark Brotherhood 2. The proof is in every single second of the 40 the video lasts, but I’ve picked out the five most solid pieces of evidence. Stay strong friends, Bioware is finally coming home.
The timing is perfect
Think about it folks, before I get to the good stuff, you have to consider the timing. It’s too perfect. Consider the following:
“The time is near
They are watching
Your power is rising
You’ve Been Chosen”
This is in the description of the video on YouTube. Other than the obvious reference to Sonic becoming Super Sonic at the end of the first game, the other two clues are “the time is near,” and “Cologne, Germany.” Cologne, Germany is the location of the upcoming Gamescom, the next big industry show where many hotly-anticipated (Hello, is there any Bioware game more anticipated than Dark Brotherhood 2? I think not.) are announced. It’s taking place in August, but there has to be more to the time being near than just the date of the event. What else happened in August? The original masterpiece, Dark Brotherhood, was released in August 2009 in Japan. Where is Japan? Not in America, and neither is Germany. Bioware isn’t from America either. It’s so obvious it hurts!
It has running in it
The trailer opens in what looks like a ransacked room or something, but that isn’t really important. A ransacked room can happen in any game; heck, it’s practically a requirement. What’s important is the next shot, of a mysterious figure running. Hmmm, that sure does sound familiar. What character could possibly be known for running a lot? Sonic the Hedgehog, duh. Wake up people, nobody else can run as fast as Sonic-kun, and in a short trailer with the second major shot being running? It’s obviously the second most important detail. Additionally, the figure runs past a bike, leaving it behind. He obviously doesn’t need it, as a bike would slow him down. That’s exactly what Sonic would do as well.
The ring, or egg, of fire
About 28 seconds in, there’s a very quick shot of a ring of fire. A shot so brief, it must be a clue. Upon further inspection, the ring of fire looks more like an oval than a circle. You don’t see ovals very often… what could it mean? What else is shaped like ovals? Eggs. It’s not a ring of fire, not a circle, but an egg, man. Eggman.
The Chaos Emeralds make an appearance
Bioware thought they could pull a fast one on us, but I saw right through it. There is a clear reference to the iconic Chaos Emeralds, right there, out in the open. See?
Now, haters may argue that there are seven Chaos Emeralds and that picture has eight things on it, but all true Sonic fans know of the Master Emerald. It’s the most powerful Emerald, capable of controlling the Chaos Emeralds. They would know that if they spent more time enjoying Sonic games instead of being hater bro gamers who only play other crappy, overrated EA games like Call of Duty.
Shadow Realms? Uh-huh, sure
Some other, lesser journalists have uncovered a filename mentioning something called “Shadow Realms.” Instead of doing further research like more responsible reporters, they stopped there and called it a new game. But I know better. No, I’m not talking about Shadow the Hedgehog, the coolest anti-hero since Stone Cold Steve Austin. That would be too obvious for the brilliant writing team at Bioware. But realize this: words have many other words that have the same meaning, right? I forget what it’s called, but it’s totally a thing. Another word for “shadow” is “shade.” Get where I’m going? That’s right, Shade the Echidna, the original character introduced in Dark Brotherhood. Shade is from another dimension, but also crosses over to Sonic’s dimension in the game. Shade crosses dimensions, or… realms. Shade. Realms. Shadow Realms. Bioware’s genius strikes again!
There you have it, dear readers: undisputed proof Bioware’s new game is Sonic Chronicles 2. I’m sorry for ruining the big Gamescom surprise, but I had to do it. It’s my duty to uncover the truth. It says so in my Journalism textbooks.