Who’s On Crack in video games for March 26, 2010

Welcome to the first installment of Who’s On Crack (in video games), a concept rudely stolen, er, politely borrowed from sister site Gadgetell.

The basic idea is this: People do crazy schtuff. Companies, which are run by people, do crazy stuff on a much larger scale. And when you mix fantasy worlds, die-hard fandom and entertainment industry PR, even crazier stuff happens.

As for being on “crack,” you can take that several ways:

• Literally “on a crack” as in treading a dangerous precipice, aka a crack in the Earth that was created during a natural disaster. Basically, going somewhere very dangerous.
• Acting as if you are “on crack” cocaine. Any behavior that makes people think you are taking illicit drugs. We are not implying that a person or company is actually partaking in illegal, non-prescription chemicals but that a person or company is simply acting as if they have. (Please don’t sue).
• Or, really, who’s showing “crack,” as in butt crack. Maybe the person or company has become the ass of a joke or, far more likely for the game biz, decided to utilize a PR stunt akin to slapping sexy ladies (or men) on an ad for extra attention and help sell a game.
• Insert your or my own meaning here.

So here goes (with special thanks to my trio of Assistant Editors who provided this installment’s topics).

$15 “Stimulus Package” expansion pack

A few bucks for a map pack is a great way for a company to earn a bit of cash for a game add-on and a great way for a gamer to find new energy in an exhausted game. But $15 (1200 MP or Microsoft Points) for the five new multiplayer maps in the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 “Stimulus Package?” You can find a decent older game for that much.

If you’re going to call it a “Stimulus Package, it should at least feel like a deal to the buyer, not like a bunch of extra bucks for the seller. I guess Activision didn’t lie. It will help to stimulate income for the company. I see the same “stimulus package” crap on hand-painted ads outside those shady walk-in cell phone stores. It stimulates me to want to punch.

The map pack will be available March 30, 2010, for Xbox 360 and later for the PS3.

The voice in your head, er, of Guitar Hero 6

This happened a little longer than a week ago but it’s still frickin’ hilarious.

Gene Simmons, leader of KISS and a kookie reality show of his own (Gene Simmons Family Jewels, no, really), recently said he’s “the voice of Guitar Hero 6.” Check it out at about 1:15 into the lame Game On segment:

Now, that quote is certainly a piece of a longer interview likely a slip taken completely out of context but, come on Gene. You’ve made millions being a savvy businessman. A comment like that is either a) ego galore or a) a really, really bad slip.

Oh, the good news (for some): Gene’s comment might mean there will be a Guitar Hero 6.

Sorry but you ain’t gonna see this in the States.

Buh bye Yakuza 3 fun

I’ll leave this one to the words of one of Gamertell’s Assistant Editors: “Sega’s GOTTA be on something to remove hostess bars, quizzes, mahjong, HEAT actions, a dateable girl and side missions from Yakuza 3 - especially since the strip club was left in and both Yakuza and Yakuza 2 had all those things included.”

Succinct and to the point.

Sega removed 21 naughty side missions from Yakuza 3 for the localized release (read: the version they sent to the US) available March 9, 2010, for PS3.

If you want to play somewhat naughty games, I guess you have to stick with the Grand Theft Auto franchise. Or get a Japanese dating sim. Now that’s naughty.

Square Enix’s lame iPhone art collection

It’s unfortunate that Final Fantasy XIII was a let down but then Square Enix has to go and release a weak photo gallery that doubles as a clock and charge way too much for it.

Priced at $8.99, the Final Fantasy XIII Larger-than-Life Gallery for iPhone and iPod Touch (and soon iPad) via Apple App Store includes 2 dozen high-res (or high-res for an iPhone) images featuring characters from the game. To help justify the cost, they added a calendar feature.

Sure, there are some sexy characters in the game and the graphics are amazing but 9 bucks for a few credit-card sized photos and a tiny calendar? That’s what a wallet is for.

A $40 expansion

OK, so three of these are price-based zaniness but this one is the worst offended. The Dragon Age: Origins “Awakenings” expansion, released March 16, 2010, for PC (Windows), PS3, and Xbox 360, costs $40.

You read that right. An expansion. $40. Essentially the cost of a new game. (Well, maybe not a brand spankin’ new PS3 or Xbox 360 game.)

Now, I understand that a lot of time goes into developing these things, companies need to make money to increase their stocks, er, I mean, pay their happy employees but, come on. If it costs as much as a new game, call it a new game, market it as a new game and sell it as a new game. Otherwise, make it affordable enough to be called an expansion pack. Otherwise we’ll think you just left a bunch of stuff out of the original game and are trying to double your money.

Read [Who's On Crack @ Gadgetell]