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Jeep Wrangler Craigslist Ad

Jeep Wrangler Craigslist Ad

An epic Craigslist advertisement for a Jeep Wrangler in Texas has been making its way around the Interwebz.  I was going to add something cutesy, but I am afraid the original author will kick my ass.

I should start by saying that if you are looking for a “Pajama party Barbie Jeep” you my friend, should keep looking. If you are looking for a short  description of to the beast before you, I can offer you two words “MEAT &  POTATOES”. This is the All American chariot of the free world.

You are not dealing with any ordinary, cookie cutter Jeep son. This thing was  forged from a single block of all American Tungsten Steel. Real sturdy! From that day forward my life has never been the same. Winch yourself off that couch  and see if you can handle this Jeep Wrangler Sahara.

So if you are looking for a rice burning hatch back, a solar powered liberal  mobile, or even a Hyundai crossover keep on looking my friend this thing is a  piece of red white and blue Americana Machinery.

This baby’s pulse is pumping 4.0 liters of uncensored raw fuel through her straight six nuclear power plant. And rest assured this is no metro feminine automatic. . .you command her to obey, with your calloused hand planted firmly on the shifter. And she will obey, the first time, every time. If you can’t  handle your stick shifter, or reach the clutch pedal, you better not ferryskip over here wanting to test drive her. If you stall her out, you can count on  getting hit in the face with a piece of rebar and sent back where you came  from.

It has A/C but are you kidding me….Really! If you want to blow the sweat off  your brow, you do it the old fashioned way: doors off, top down. “What if it  rains?”. . .You whiney bitch! I told you to stop reading. . . Any man who drives  this beast doesn’t give a damn about rain. Not even skin melting acid rain,  Cause he’s already dripping wet in blood, sweat, dip spit, and fish guts.

If you are looking for the kind of jeep that has to be pansy parked in the  garage, so the “carpet doesn’t get wet and soggy” Then you should plant your Obama sticker on some Japanese piece of shit. Cause this thing has drain holes  in the floor and rhino lined to let the blood drain out from the buffalo you just killed, with your bare hands. Because you are William Wallace from  Braveheart and when you get home you can leave your “sissy sponge glove car wash  kit” in the pink bucket it came in. Go ahead and spark up your 6000 psi heated  pressure washer on the dually trailer in your man cave, cause you are Tim Gillespie and you can pressure wash your truck on the inside. She’s got rhino  lined floors with a full roll cage in case that buffalo comes back to life while you’re doing 80 over some mountain pass or flooded river.

If you’re thinking about Mexican chrome bumpers for her, think again. The bumper bashers come hand forged in a blacksmith shop in Franklin County over a  wood burnin fire, out of 4 inch well casing, and railroad tracks and then I  welded em to the damn chassis. That way if you get deployed you can piggy back this war wagon on a deuce and a half and chain her down tight from the four corners, so you don’t lose her when your convoy gets hit by a taliband roadside suicide bomber.

And forget about putting one of those “It’s a Jeep Thing. . .You wouldn’t  understand” stickers on this machine cause when you’re spotted in this American  Classic there will be no questions, no further explanation required, people will  understand and get out of your way. . …real quick.

If you think you’re ready to park this panty hauler on your tract of land. If  you buy this jeep you better go get your old lady ready for some damn changes  around your lair, cause this shit will be happening. What will be Happening?  Glad you asked….

1. More chest hair.

2. You’re growing a beard.

3. Meat Only Diet.

4. T-Rex for a pet.

5. You’re taking a job at the lumber mill.

6. Your  car carries five kegs.

7. Penis enlargement.

8. Catch more fish.

9.  Wire bristled toothbrush.

10. Sex in the yard.

11. Sex in the  garage.

12. All male offspring.

13. Chiseled jaw line.

14. Not  giving a damn.

15. Flesh turning to steel.

16. Higher salary

17.  Promotions.

18. Better looking wives.

19. Better looking mistresses.

20. More golfing

21. More killing stuff.

22. More dead animals in the  KITCHEN freezer.

23. More tools in your garage.

24. Bigger TV

25.  Wife takes out the trash

26. Four Wheel Drive

27. Wife brings trash can in from road.

28. Wife stops bitching about clothes on floor.

29. Wife stocks fridge with beer.

30. Chuck Norris.

31. John McCain

32.  Steaks for dinner.

33. Winning the Lottery.

34. Women on the side.

35. Wrestling with bea

36. Building shit out of stone.

37. Riding Lawn  Mower.

38. Bon Fires in cul-de-sac.

39. Bar Fights.

40. Wife picks  you up from Thee Gentlemen’s Club.

41. Craftsman Tools.

42. Jay  Bisset.

43. Welding stuff.

44. Digging holes.

45. Huge Piece of meat.

Put your GPS back in your purse.

Sounds good doesn’t it?

This jeep has carried me through 155,000 miles of battlefield twice as  gruesome as the second half of the movie “300″. . ..And just like a trusty steed  this juggernaut has never left me stranded. If you think you’ve worn her out you  drag this beast back to me in any condition. And Ill handle the rest.

But if you think you’re going to get to whip this mule you better pony up  Sixty Five Hundred Dollars. . .American Cash. I’m not selling you this car  unless you are clearly a pure blooded American Species, so don’t even think  about it.

Read more: http://www.uproxx.com/webculture/2013/10/check-balls-texas-mans-craigslist-ad-jeep-wrangler/#ixzz2k6xmaess

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